Murder

Slap me sideways and toss me from a rocket launcher down a slip and slide please, Butternut Billycream is ready for ACTION. Yeah yeah yeah… I know what you’re thinking. How are you possibly going to shove my head into a rocket launcher!? Don’t worry, they’ve got a fix for that. It’s called water-based, silicon-based lube and you can get it, ummm… actually you can get it a lot of different places. There might be more places where you can get water-based, silicon-based lube than places where you cannot.

Actually that’s ridiculous. Out of all the places, most of those places definitely will not have it. Considering there’s an infinite number of places, that would be crazy. Imagine if there were an infinite number of places where you could purchase water-based, silicon-based lube. Now THAT is a universe I would love to live in. Take me there, Harry.

Tickle my pickle and call me Stan, what a great day to be alive. Unfortunately my roommate is engaging in coitus with an empty sleeve of Ritz crackers right now so I can’t guarantee this post will be any good. I really am just passing the time, you know? Trying to be respectful here by giving him his space. Heroes don’t wear capes, but they do wear a seven-inch butt plug to the mall. What? Did you hear that? I think UPS is here.

Oh my GOD have you seen the news? I haven’t, I was just wondering if you had. I don’t want to hear about it, though. No, no, no! Please, shut the fuck up. I’m a happy man and I don’t want to be burdened by your transcontinental tragedies. What a wild form of entertainment. Tonight on Tonight at 6, murder, murder, and murder! Who get murdered and where? Sponsored by Pfizer.

Have you numbskulls noticed that almost every TV show and movie these days is centered around people just getting murdered? They’re like “look, guys. I’ve got a really good idea. So, hear me out. Hear me out. Nobody’s doing this, it’s gonna be so good. So we have a character right. Right? And then this character is going to get… wait for it… MURDERED! And then… and then! We’ll spend the whole rest of the series trying to figure out how it happened! You like that? C’mon… how original is that, guys!?”

“That’s good that’s good. Here’s an idea. Instead of just that character getting murdered, what if we have a bunch of other characters who are constantly getting murdered, right? So you’ve got the main character, yeah? And he’s the main character, so he can’t get murdered. But everyone else? They might get murked at a moment’s notice. And they will. They will. We’ll make sure they do. And what’s great about this series is they get murdered in different ways, right? Like instead of a standard shot to the dome, what if one of the characters gets sideswiped by a GoKart? And then his friend comes to help him like oh my God noooooooo and then HE gets sideswiped by a DIFFERENT GoKart!? And then vampires. You have vampires who descend from the sky, and they’re all coming from the same blimp, right? It’s not even sponsored by GoodYear, it’s a private blimp. Locally owned, non-GMO blimp. Hold on someone make sure casting gets enough black people in this. Tina! Tina, do NOT forget the black people. I don’t want management on my ass about this again. Okay, so we’ve got the black people, right. And they get murdered just as much as the white people right, cause we have to be equal here. We’re an equal opportunity employer here and we don’t a racial discrepancy, particularly when it comes to murder. Okay, so you’ve got the vampires descending from the private, locally owned, non-GMO blimp, right? But these vampires are different, okay? Instead of sucking blood, they just suck your balls. So, they can only feed on males. But… but! Their weakness is tits and fat ass, right? So they come down and they want to suck the balls of the guys who just got murdered by GoKarts, but here’s the twist. The first guy, remember him? The guy who got murdered… okay. Wait, what if the second guy is sniped instead of taken out by another GoKart? Okay so the second guy is sniped by a senile seagull. Anyways, the first guy is dead. He’s dead as fuck. He’s so dead, it’s crazy. And the vampires sense this from above, so they get there real quick. But it’s a tragic situation, right? And the guy’s girlfriend is on it. I mean she’s sprinting over to him HARD, which is actually a bit difficult to watch because she runs like a pigeon-toed pangolin, but whatever. It’s fine, we can cut that part. But here’s the thing, right? When she gets over there, right as the vampires are about to suck his balls, they notice she has the FAAAAATTEST ass. And they just like eyes with each other like “brooooooooo. Are you seeing what I’m seeing?” And he’s like “dude, yeah! Dude…” And then the vampires are just floating there, completely star struck by these mammoth cheeks, right? And this is where it gets crazy. This is where it gets crazy, because out of nowhere comes JOHN CENA! Nobody even knows where he was this whole time, he’s just there. And the vampires are like holy fuck is that John Cena. So now they’re super distracted. Super distracted. And because they’re so distracted, you think something’s gonna happen to them, right? But it doesn’t. Instead, the girlfriend walks up to John Cena, takes out a slingshot, and launches a lug nut straight through his eye socket, killing him immediately. Wouldn’t that be a great movie!?”

- Butternut Billycream

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